When I first began homeschooling, all I could think of was academics. I spent lots of research time trying to find the best books and worrying that I couldn't teach my children all they needed to know. As the years have filed by and I have gained confidence in my ability to teach them and educate them well, I have increasingly become concerned about their social well-being.
Homeschoolers can be way ahead academically, but it hardly
makes up for poor social skills. Sometimes that is the "hallmark" of
a homeschooler: a genius who is awkward and socially backwards. I don't think
it has to be
this way. If mothers would put some of the effort that they put into worrying
about the academic part and instead put it into creating a postiive social
environment for their homeschooling children, everyone would be happier and
better adjusted.
Many young mothers begin homeschooling and as they learn and get to know their children better and have fun together, life is pretty good and happy for years. Then their oldest child grows a bit restless, as he is reaching puberty, or a few years before, and homeschooling isn't as fun. The child who could play with any kid in his Primary class suddenly feels left out and socially ill at ease. This is the moment that can make or break homeschool. If the mother continues with the status quo, the child can become increasingly uneasy and discontent. If the mother makes an effort to provide a rich social life, everyone benefits. Homeschool can happily continue, and social skills and friendships develop.
Just how much work is providing a social life for your homeschooled child? Lots. I think over the years, I have given increasingly more time to trying to create an oppportunity for my children to meet other homeschooled children with high standards so that friendships can develop.
I know older mothers that have been homeschooling for many years that put a great amount of effort into the social aspect of their children's lives. One of our dearest homeschool friends actually drive 3 hours to associate with us--a great blessing for us! But it also illustrates just how important it is to be with like-minded friends.
Children need friends. The best kind of friends are other children
with high standards who are also being homeschooled, sharing the same kind
of experiences.
Looking for friends among those who attend public school can be searching for
a needle in a haystack. There are plenty of good children that go to public
school. The problem is that many have learned to "fit" and so they have the markings of "fitting"--the
clothes, rock star idols, the cool words, the preoccupation with the social
ongoings at the school, the fads, the worldly trappings. This can create an
uncomfortable difference for a homeschooler. Another factor in looking for
friends amongst the children in the public school system is the fact that they
are in school all day long, and have an evening of homework ahead of them.
Besides, many have afterschool sports, lessons and eventually part time jobs.
They don't have the social need--in fact, they probably need some time alone
to think and daydream. Because the need is not there, they aren't as eager
or able to spend time.
I have found the most successful path is to search out other homeschoolers and try to build friendships with them. Right off, the children have so much more in common. Their lifestyles and standards are usually similar. They need and enjoy the companionship.
Where can you find other homeschoolers? It may seem that there
are no other homeschoolers in your area, but there are! When I first moved
to Utah, I made
up flyers and posted them in local grocery stores, the library, and other prominent
places. Basically, the flyer said, "Homeschooling? We want to meet you for friendship and activities. My children are such-and-such ages. Please call Diane." Soon
I was getting phone calls and was able to gather a group of LDS homeschooling
families to meet at the park. From this group, we made many friends. Just recently,
I was at a soccer game and another mother recognized me (from the catalog photo).
Soon we were deep in conversation and discovered that she lives just a few
blocks (actually across a big field) from me. Because she is another stake,
I never knew her. For ten years, she has lived there, thinking there were no
other homeschoolers in her neighborhood! You will be surprised how many homeschoolers
there are. Some families feel shy about homeschooling and keep a low profile.
If you have a friendly librarian, ask her about other homeschoolers. My librarian
tells me you can always spot them. They keep the library in business with their
frequent trips and huge numbers of books check out. I suppose if you have a
friendly school secretary, she could also tell you who has registered to do
homeschool rather than attend public school.
You may also want to check out our Finding Friends website on the Internet
at http://www.LDSHomeschooling.org/friends.lasso.
My son Daniel has set this up so that you can just click on your state and you
will be given names of homeschoolers that have volunteered to be in charge of
helping homeschoolers find each other. They often know other homeschoolers around
the state, or head up support groups.
What can a mother do to help her children fill the social need? I have had the most success in creating activities for others to attend. Most mothers are thankful to have somewhere to take their children to enjoy the company of other homeschoolers. They are usually very willing to drive them to your house. Sometimes, they offer to reciprocate and have the activity at their house too. One of the blessings of being the organizer is that you can pick and choose the best time that fits into your schedule. Your younger children also benefit from being there.
We have had an ongoing weekly class of some sort or another
for many years. When Julianna was 10 years old, it was called "Art Class". We had other girls her age come to our home every Thursday afternoon for two hours. I would help them do a fun project and, before and afterwards, they would play together. Julianna still enjoys the friendships made in that "Art Class" even
though most of the girls have moved away or gone back to public school.
Group school is another good way to meet the social need. All
it takes is one other family with similar aged children. You can meet once
a week or just
once a month to "do school" together. Group school can be exhausting as it requires that you not only plan for homeschool, but that you have to create lesson plans for other children as well. Since you are "in the spotlight",
you often feel like you have to make it extra fun. This takes effort! But,
of all the things we've done, my children have loved group school the best. 
Field trips, picnics and other out-of-home outings are a good way to get to know another family on neutral territory. I usually just invite one family and most often, our children hit it off and make friends. This doesn't take much effort, and becomes an anticipated event for my children.
Teenage parties at our house once a month, with food and games, has been a good way for my teenagers to get to become good friends with other homeschoolers. Teenagers are reluctant and uneasy at first, but most of them don't have a lot of contact with other homeschoolers, so it is a treat to share their company. They have so much in common that friendships form easily.
All of these activities take energy and planning on mother's
part, and often it feels like just one more thing in an already packed schedule.
I do feel
it takes high priority, however, because it makes such a difference in the
success of your homeschooling experience. Of all the mothers I talk to that
have reluctantly put their children back in school, the single reason that
they give is that their children yearned for friends and that homeschooling
could not meet that need. You can prevent "homeschool dropout" by
providing friendship opportunites.
Do yourself and your children a favor. Make your homeschool successful, not just academically, but socially also. It will be a great blessing to your children's lives!
—Diane Hopkins
