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Question:

My 4-year-old daughter can be so loving and cuddly. However she also has a strong will and at times I'm at my wits end in knowing how to deal with her and do it in love (not anger). When I give her instructions to do something, I usually am met with an explosive, disrespectful response. She may have been perfectly fine up until that point, but then she just falls apart. I've been trying to incorporate Bible verses into my conversations with her and use an incentive chart to encourage change. I also try to pray a lot for the both of us. Any suggestions?

Answer:

Hello!

What a good mother you are for wanting to teach her and wanting to stay in control yourself! That is a challenge every mother knows well.

There is a book-full I would like to say on this subject to you, but here are just a few thoughts. Here are just a few thoughts:

Everyone is "perfectly fine" until pushed to do something against their will. The challenge we all face from our birth as we grow is to govern ourselves, to discipline and control ourselves. Some of us learn young, some of us never "get it"! As a child depends on parents for training, it is our job as parents to impose discipline on our children until they take inner control of themselves and our outer control is no longer needed. Your daughter's response, although not uncommon, is in need of training. This can be a fun, happy time for you both, as she learns to please you and learns to "drive her own car" or in other words, control her own emotions to secure the outcome that makes her happiest in life.

Never reward her negative behavior. If she is doing something you don't like (such as her explosive response), it should receive less attention, words, emotion, and energy than when she does what you do like. Focus on the good times, praise her, cuddle her, reward her good behavior. Give it attention. When she does obey first time you call or respond well, tell her how wonderful it is, and point out how it pays off ("Thank you for picking up the toys right when I asked you. Now we have time to read another story! Do you want to pick it out?")

When she misbehaves, be calm. Don't talk and explain too much--rather act swiftly and kindly with a consequence you feel is reasonable and related. Be on her side. Be truly disappointed with her that she didn't control herself and win the prize, whatever you have decided it to be. Children learn from action, not lecture. Give no second chances, no repeated pleas for obedience. She will learn quickly if you are consistent. She will soon realize that she is in power. She can decide her outcome. She can obey and get the pleasant outcome (praise, reward, extra story, etc.) or she can explode the get the consequence she knows will always and forever be coming to her for that type of misbehavior.

It is wonderful that you are teaching her Bible verses! Belief in God is the very reason for learning to control ourselves, so we can serve HIm. Tell her Bible stories and other stories about not losing your temper, and let her know that if she explodes she will have to fold the towels, wipe the walls, wash dishes, or sit on the time-out chair, or whatever you decide (I like work, as it dispels energy). Then when she does explode, act swiftly with a brief explanation: "Oh dear. I am so sorry you got upset when I asked you to pick up your toys. How disappointing that you have to sit on the time-out chair instead of being able to read another story with me!" Truly do be sorry with her; be on her team. If you are absolutely consistent, she will pretty quickly figure out what works, after testing to make sure you are for real. She will stop doing whatever behavior does not pay off for her. If you are very emotional or give her a lot of attention (even negative attention, tears, lectures) when she misbehaves, then that behavior "pays". If you know you have a set-up consequence, it is far easier for a parent to stay in control and keep from getting angry due to built up frustration. You have the safety valve of a consequence on your side. You know what you are going to do, and you can keep calm because of it.

In using an incentive chart, be sure the reward is immediate. 4 years old is too young to have to wait even an hour for the blessing of doing good. She needs to feel the reward or the consequence immediately in order to learn the quickest. It is hard to remember what you are being rewarded or punished for if it is much delayed.

Books I would recommend:
Let's Fix the Kids by James Jones
Growing Kids God's Way by Gary Ezzo
Train Up a Chlld by Michael Pearl

I do not agree with everything in these books, but they have been the best I could find in containing true principles and helped form my parenting skills and been a great blessing to me. Michael Pearl uses spanking, which I am not prone to do, but all else he describes (building a relationship, being the kind of parent for your child to model, etc.) is superb. His website is: www.nogreaterjoy.org

Parenting is a great skill and it takes lots of study and practice to feel comfortable with it. I salute you for your caring concern! Your daughter is so blessed to have you as a mother, who loves and cares about her upbringing.

Best success!

; 0 ) Diane

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Hi!

I am Diane Hopkins, mother of 7 children (ages 10 to 30) whom I have had the privilege of homeschooling over the past 18 years. I'm a mom, just like you, and have those fabulous days and those not-so-good days like we all do. My hope in writing is to share experiences, and hopefully we can encourage one another in this wonderful, intense adventure of childraising--that is really what homeschooling is, after all.